The Plan

Lately, I’ve been forgetting a lot of things. Not like, “Oh shit, where are my keys?” or “Whoopsie I left my phone in the refrigerator again,” but actual short term memory loss.

I think I kind of knew it was happening a bit but was maybe trying not to think about it too much because it’s actually quite distressing. The idea that I’m forgetting important conversations with friends, sweet small moments with Edward & all of the other things from all of the other parts of life. This realization feels a little bit traumatizing to me. It’s scary.

I have a friend I talk with several times a day. And lately I’ve been noticing that I’ll ask him about something and he’ll say he already answered that question twice in the last hour – though he always answers again because he is extremely kind and vey patient, one of the best people I know. I’ll tell him something I’ve already told him three times during the same phone call and he isn’t be annoyed by it but it definately isn’t a good sign.

It isn’t that I’m not listening in the moment. It’s that I don’t remember. This is a big distinction. This is an important one. I am going to explain this to a couple of important people in my life so they don’t feel hurt by mistaking the two.

I mostly blame the Klonopin.

I have panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety – and that’s just the anxiety ones. I take 3mg of Klonopin a day and have for a long time – maybe for seven years now? That is the max dose it’s responsible to prescribe a patient with chronic treatment resistant anxiety – like me. It’s often hard for me to even leave the house (with Klonopin) unless my little dog can come with me.

So now I’m extremely anxious about my anxiety meds.

I got really sad & cried about it on a video call with my friend last night. Having a therapy session at 2am wasn’t the plan, but we go with the flow.

My husband is a psychiatry resident, second year. He knows a lot. He told me I can combat the memory loss by:

  • Getting back onto a more regular sleep cycle instead of staying up until ungodly hours watching Netflix shows with my friend on Scener
  • Drinking less alcohol (ugh bah… but I can do it)
  • Exercising more (by “more” I mean start exercising to begin with lol)
  • Weaning down my Klonopin dose (.5 mg at a time – slowly)

He also (unfortunately not until later on…) told me my short term memory can go back to normal this is all over with. Normal memory for me isn’t great, I inherited my mother’s memory, but it’s a hell of a lot better than this shit. It was the idea that this would be permanent or even continue to get worse that scared me the most.

I had an ex-friend tell me once when I asked her something about her life, “What’s even the point in telling you anything? You’re not going to remember it anyway.” She turned out to be a bit of a bitch but her saying that to me really hurt. It hurt because I knew she was, on some level, right.

So today I only took 2.5mg of Klonopin instead of 3mg.

I danced to very loud music in my plant room.

I am sticking with Diet Coke for the night.

I am going to go to bed at a reasonable time.

Edward said we should make a hard deadline of 2am every night to be in bed. “I am almost thirty years old & you’re giving me a bedtime… lol. But I’m cool with it.”

I’ve sent my own psychiatrist a text and plan to talk to him about all this. I am curious a) if he thinks these are all the things I should be doing b) what his thoughts are on how much of my poor memory, not just the more acute version right now but in general too, has to do with the fact that I have been on psychiatric medication for a decade or so – Klonopin aside.

I also want to have a session with my therapist soon about some coping strategies I can use when/if (it’s almost definitely a “when” here) the anxiety gets worse from titrating down the dose.

So anyway, there is the plan. Keep you posted?

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