I’ve been crying about my dad more of late than I normally do. I think it’s because his birthday was on the 13th. I talked to him that day, aloud, walking around the house. It didn’t really feel like a sad conversation – I was just kind of updating him on my life & Edward’s & what we’ve been up to. I told him more about the dogs than he probably cared to know. He used to get annoyed with me in life (well, probably everyone did but he was the one blunt enough to say it lol) because I’d send him photos & videos of Sam & Lena many. many times a day. He was like, “Kait, they are just dogs. You love them. I get it.” God fucking damn do I miss that man.
My dad’s birthday went okay, to be honest. And I felt okay about it feeling okay. The day after my new friend came over & hung out with us for the evening. Once he left I went around turning off the lights & closing down the house so I could go to sleep. That’s when I saw the tubular purple flowers from our backyard I had put on & around my dad’s urn the day before now all dead & sticky & brown just sitting there. I threw them in the garbage. I saw the intrusive images my mind has decided to torture me with of what he might have looked like while the pulmonary embolism killed him.
They are pretty sure that is what killed him. We didn’t want to do an autopsy. I could not think of one more invasive horrific thing happening to my poor father’s wiry small-framed body. He’d been in the Cardiac ICU after his second heart attack in a medically induced coma on life support for weeks. He was finally doing fucking better – he was doing breathing therapy & psychical therapy. Then he died.
So then I started to feel it. To really fucking feel it. The little video rolls of what things might have looked like or how they might have gone down that torment me began to play on repeat & I sobbed on the back steps smoking for a while. Eventually I took extra trazodone & managed to pass out.
I know you know what I’m talking about & I hate that you do.
(correspondence with HLR of Treacle Heart)